127/365

The prospect of curling up in bed under my warm, comfy, soft duvet. Mmmmm.

126/365

Random moments with Jess pt 1-
The moment after our slightly complicated prayer meeting when we decided to head to McDonalds. Ah, greasy food late at night after a long week, with more laughter at the amusing random nature of our job.

125/365

A massive roast meal, good wine, homemade muffins, a friend who'd returned from a far and distant land, sidesplitting laughter, an evening to go down in the history books of fun evenings, (really someone should start writing that history). I think made all the sweeter by the knowledge that Liz will be heading back in a weeks time. Evenings like this are for holding onto, to feed on in future times.

124/365

Despite having a whole house to play in, sitting on the stairs and hallway with my housemates tonight talking about our days, catching up after a long time of not seeing each other properly. Letting the converstation drift into late night gibbering, best dealt with by heading to bed.

123/365

Hysterical uncontrollable laughter with Jess and Ceryn. A day of loving my job.

122/365

This text from Steph.
"Well the good news is however much you f**k up, there is grace and more grace. Any hint of a thought otherwise is a lie straight from Hell. God is STILL proud of his little girl. Praying xx"

121/365

Music is good because it drowns out the fuzz in my head. Singing along to Actung Baby with my brother in the car this afternoon achieved it to perfection. Big loud cynical noise coupled with genius lyrics. "In my dreams I was drowning sorrows, but my sorrows they learnt to swim.". "Every artist is a cannibal, every poet is a thief, they all kill for inspiration and then sing about the grief." "We're cut adrift, but still floating, I'm only hanging on to watch you go down", "And I must be an acrobat, to talk like this and act like that." One critic described the album as the sound of the Joshua Tree being cut down and burnt up. Brilliant.

120/365

Even when you haven't read the book, book group is great. Wine is also great. Woo. Shhh sleep now. zzzzzzzzzzzzz

119/365

Running through torrential rain, squelching shoes, big fat loud heavy raindrops, umbrella having no effect, cars splashing water everywhere but hysterical laughter with Jess making it all worthwhile. Getting home tonight to housemates up for getting pizza.

118/365

The smell of dinner cooking, wafting up the stairs, capturing time in this moment.

117/365

(There's objective and subjective stuff in this world. I can't decide whether the cool stuff in the details of life is subjective or objective. Good stuff happens. And it doesn't deny the hard horrible stuff. These things I have to recognise as I write here. I fear the good as it appears to describe a sunny, happy existence. As we all know life just isn't like that. (and to dig deeper into my psyche of only thinking negative thoughts requires more time and qualifications than you have, dear reader) For some reason I find it very hard to write positive things at times. But here goes, I break through this barrier. In the spirit of acknowledging the sparkly cool amist the rubbish I carry on, and here's some more 365.)

Getting back into the swimming pool again, the rhythm of up and down, up and down, pure physicality setting me up for the day. Sparkly times with Jess and Ceryn, chatting about God in the sunshine, paddling in the sea and honest chats with the maker of the universe. Kate Rusby in the evening, shared dreams with a friend and the sad sad melancholy of "Who will sing me lullabies?".

116/365

Psalm 88. This is in the inspired word of the living and true God. It's OK to feel like this. It's ok to rant and rave and cry. I'm sure Stephen Fry would agree.

13 But I cry to you for help, O LORD;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
14 Why, O LORD, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?
15 From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death;
I have suffered your terrors and am in despair.
16 Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.
17 All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.
18 You have taken my companions and loved ones from me;
the darkness is my closest friend.

(and that's the last verse, no nice rounding things up with a happy ending praising the Lord.)

115/365

So, I'm sitting in a cafe chatting to a supporter, and the sun is shinning, the sky is that perfect kind of blue that it only gets by the seaside and the sun is sparkling off the water, events have consipired to make this the first day in weeks where I am not tired, I'm lucid, I can make conversation, something feels lighter inside and I am able to walk on, getting in the pool this morning started off this train of energy and buzz around my body, suddenly things seem more possible, I have done things today.

"It doesn't matter that this song has a simple tune, even though it's not what I'm "supposed" to do."
(get cape, wear cape, fly)

114/365

"Due South, that's the way I'm going.
Due South.
Saddling up my traveling shoes, I'm bound to walk away these blues.
Due South."
(Jay Semko)

113/365

112/365

Talking to the maker of the universe with the rest of the team, care for each other and gladness at this term depending, not on me, but on the one who holds this world in his hands. Phew.

111/365

The point in team days where God stepped in to the darkness of my hard heart and opened up the windows to let some sunshine in. Tears all round and the reality of relationship restored. Getting to be vulnerable with Ceryn and Jess and cry together at the kindness of God who steps in, who comes looking for us and does all the work in softening and wooing us back. Crazy inexplicable love.

110/365

"So I'll just pretend that I know which way to bend"

109/365

The moment the plane goes above the clouds until all you can see is some white cotton wool and blue blue skies. The etheral world of the sky and the slightly weird feeling of being suspended in the air. Coming home to housemates, a bed and a place called home.

108/365

Watching an old friend get married and loving the smiles all round as finally he gets some good stuff going on in his life. Hanging out with old mates in a country far away, paddling on the beach late at night before the dancing got started at the reception. Thinking that all will be ok, as long as there are beaches to paddle on and mates to potter through the waves with. Sigh.

107/365

Heading off to Ireland on a sunny Sunday morning, good tunes, a good nights sleep behind me and nothing to do but play for the next three days. Escaping never felt so good.

And some words for the searchers after the beauty of the moment in this life.

"What I find fascinating is that many of us have had moments like these when we were overwhelmed with the presence of something or somebody so- and it is hard to find the words here - so good, so right, so true, so safe. Warmth, comfort, terror- but the good kind of terror. Maybe we should say "awe". You have your own way of describing these moments.

Whatever those things are that make you feel fully alive and like the universe is ultimately a good place and you are not alone, I need a faith that doesn't deny these moments but embraces them...They are expressions of what it means to be in God's world...

Because it isn't just concerts and surfing and the high points, and it isn't just the beautiful moments in the midst of the everyday and the mundane; it is also in the tragic and gut wrenching moments when we cannot escape the fact that there is way more going on around us than we realise."
(Rob Bell- Velvet Elvis)

106/365

An hour of an old friend on the phone. Restoring chats a go go.

94-105ish/365

Doing this in bulk seems like the only way to do it, and as I have written nothing down over the last two weeks, what appears here will be the best bits that occur to me right now. Which as I'm exhuasted could prove interesting.

Staff lunch, day 1, catching up, much laughter once more.
Getting to tell a bunch of Relay girls to go to sleep smiling because they are dearly loved children of God, sniggering with delight as Roz talked about her new boyfriend, wanting to stand up proudly and annouce that he was my brother. Common sense holding me to my chair. The dream team in action, God at work in all our different and similar weaknesses.
Priscilla telling me the next day that they really did go to sleep smiling because they were dearly loved children of God.
Chocolate in the post.
Getting to chose Steph's pants each morning.
Meeting Pharrell.
Reading Narnia to a group of brain overloaded Relay Workers and then all of us heading off to talk to the one who loves us most.
Karen's expression at her Scottish money being turned away at the local garden centre.
Bongoing my wee heart out.
John Mayer. Beautiful guitar and lyrics. Binface Spasm Bushell. And a cd player in our room. Wonderful.
"Welcome to a year of weakness." Tim Rudge always makes me cry and remember Jesus is coming back.
My new nick name. Beat Box Mary. Oh yes.
Seeing the conference start bonding over group therapy and Ooooooooo Big Booty, bigbooty bigbooty bigbooty.
Sing a long Sound of Music. The, quite literal, jumping for joy with Steph and Anna.
Chats about God with my fellowship group. Meabh's smile of encouragement to me.
Seeing Relay workers around the place at Forum, instant bonding over: "Who are all these people who've arrived at our conference?"
The genius of breakfast avoidance making for a much more enjoyable conference.
Finally beating Midmer at a game of table tennis.
Coffee out at a posh hotel with other class of 2003 girls. We are the best year, oh yes.
Dancing until midnight with other staff girlies to classic pop post the Relay Party.
Taken out for coffee by the lovely Gareth Davies who asks all the right questions.
Weirdly convinced of the total stubborn immovable love of God as I prayed with Roz.
Graham Daniels convincing me again that it's a Good Thing to be a Christian. God's word at work again in my heart.
Singing the Lion of Judah and hearing Rico Tice again, good memories revisited.
Getting home at last, tired, ready to cry but being fed tea and chocolate by urban singleton family and watching Stand by Me.