53/365

Sitting at my desk this morning, stomach churning in fear at what I'm going to be doing tomorrow, chatting on MSN with lots of lovely friends reminding me that God is a God who looks after his people, that Jesus really did die to take on our punishment and bring us to God, and that He did rise again to show that it's all real and true and He'll come back. Phew. Glad all that is true, and despite my fears I have a God who delights in showing people just how Big He is. Glad to get to see that for the next 2 weeks in Bulgaria. Watch this space for the details in a couple of weeks time.

52/365

Sitting watching my small honorary nieces smother themselves in ice cream and grin the most ridiculously wide grins in the world. Ah the joys of small children.

51/365

"I've got nothing to do today but smile"
(Simon and Garfunkel)

50/365

I find it hard to write about the perfection of today. It started with waking up smiling after last night, thanking God that he has immense love for me and delights in showing that, then sitting in the morning sunshine musing on life and reality with the lovely Anna, then realising that God wants our love as humans to be inclusive and not exclusive and that means sharing friends is a brilliant thing to do, then sitting in the garden reading Anne of Green Gables whilst listening to the exquisitely sad Eddi Reader, then having an old uni friend and her blokey come over. We drank tea (she introduced me to tea), went to an amazingly wonderful tea shop by the Sussex Downs and sat in a sunny courtyard eating fine food, we then went to a farm shop and bought cider from a barrel. Some very sunburnt moments later we sat down for dinner, ate steak pie and drank cider and then had a conversation that I've dreamed of having for so long. I shared my life with her in ways I've never done before. I'm still slightly gobsmacked and a bit weirded out by the whole thing. (clearly I now think that my plane is going to crash on Wednesday, when I go to Bulgaria, as I've had such wonderful moments. My brain is weird, or possibly addled by the cider.)

49/365

This post is so exciting, that, as in the cross over nature of Casualty and Holby City, my blogs shall overlap and coincide and other things like that. This post shall appear on them both as a testament to the many wonderful friends who turned up on my doorstep this evening.

The day started as any other day with me feeling slightly morose at being on my own again for another day of work. I pottered around town doing last minute shopping for my trip to Bulgaria and attempted to battle with thoughts of being alone for the rest of my life and not having that one special person etc etc etc. I was trying to remind myself of Jesus being enough but couldn't quite escape the nagging thought at the back of my mind of fear of being alone. I then had this conversation with the lovely Anna over text.

Anna: How r u mate? What r u up to today? Enjoy the sunshine!
Kath: Ah mate, good to hear from u, am having a fighting loneliness day, hugs to u. k
Anna: Hugs to u to, praying for God to send blessings your way.

Little did I know that God is very quick at answering prayers these days, or maybe prophecy is easier when the outcome is planned all along. At 4pm this afternoon the doorbell rang and I was very surprised to see Anna standing there in person. She managed to convince me she'd been utterly spontaneous and just popped in on her day off (she lives about a hour and a half away). I thought, hoorah another person to join me, Nay and Jon tonight at our prearranged BBQ. The afternoon took on a more surreal turn when from behind the fence Roz and Steph appeared. (from London and Leicester). I don't think I've ever been more surprised. Next to join the fun was my wonderful brother Mark taking a night off from his youth group he helps run in Guildford. Nay and Jon then arrived with the Bluefish and his lovely wife Em. All to celebrate my birthday. I nearly cried. I have wonderful friends. Thanks go to Nay for her scheming ways, all my mates for being good liars and schemers, and for being willing to drive over two hours in pants Friday traffic to see me and surprise me. I'm still gobsmacked by it all.

We ate lots of food, drank beer and wine (to feel fine), visited the beach and then Brighton friends came to join in on the fun, some of my local community meeting up with my sporadic nomadic community. I got to feel very loved for an evening and smile lots at the extravagant love of my friends. I like the timing, on a day when I was feeling lonely and pants I got to see people who mean the world to me and seem to love me, enough to drive through Friday traffic just to hang out. Wow. Grace in action. I'm struck by how much I want to earn that love poured out today, but I don't have to, and that's really really cool.

Here's a picture to prove I'm not lying. From the left, going around in circle, Em Bish, Bish, Jon, Phil, Katie, Me (with wine), Nay, a bit of Marks head, Steph, Roz, Susanna, Cathy and Anna. If any of you are reading this. I don't know how to thank you enough. THANK YOU. (special mention as well to Birgette and Lizzi (my housemates), Lou, Sarah and James who couldn't make it)

48/365

I think today's comes when on the train up to London, reading through several stories of people who come to Jesus as they are, the 'sinful' woman who comes to Jesus and pours perfume on his feet and Zacchaeus as he climbs his tree desperate for a glimpse of this man. The sheer brilliance of bringing our mates to Jesus is incredible. Such a simple idea and yet so mindblowing, go and read through some of the stories in the gospels for yourself if you need convincing.

(Coming into a close second was the classic game of Dutch Blitz with friends this afternoon, the conversations ranging from calling each other bitches, to talking about deeply embarrassing sins with each other, to marveling at the wonderfulness of Jesus who is so beautiful, gentle, intimate, revealing, challenging and the best lover of our souls.)

All this kind of makes me wonder why tonight my brain shifts to wanting to drink more wine and forget who I really am. How I need the cross. How I long for the new earth, when all this will seem so small, tiny and temporary. Bring on that day.

47/365

There is more than this.

46/365

Realising that having a day off in a week is a Good Idea. Having it. Deep chats with the lovely Ruth Hunt, an old friend from Uni. The kind of chats that put the world to rights and make us want to love Jesus more than we do. All over some chocolate, trout, wine and chocolate bread and butter pudding. Glad, as ever, to have chats with someone who understands this life, struggles with the same stuff and yet still wants to say in Jesus there is greater satisfaction than anything else this world can offer. Somehow life seems more managable after nights like tonight. There is something in the sharing that lightens the darkness just enough to see the next step, or at least have the faith to keep on putting one foot in front of the other when you can't see anything.

45/365

Sitting in Chichester having tea with my Boss, there are times when we talk about work, there are times we talk about CUs and Relay Workers and how they are doing, and then there are times when we just spend the afternoon musing on life and God. Today was such a time. Time at the end/beginning of the year to think and ponder, to reflect but in an unhurried way and just to have someone listen to my garbled thoughts on life. I love those times. I value so much just the reality of another person to have time to listen to my meanderings on life, to care about the hard times and rejoice in the good times. They aren't perfect times, we'll only have those in heaven, but they are real times. And I'm honored to have a Boss that lets afternoons like this happen. Here's to Gareth Davies, an imperfect, being redeemed daily, caring deeply legend.

44/365

Driving home, sun shining, music blasting out of the car, a God who loves me anyway with me. Glad to get home in time for church and sing loudly to my God. Feeling it again. Best quote from our amazing vicar: "We aren't just saying things with our lips, or thinking things tonight but this is about the depths of our heart and soul." MMmmmmmmmm. Yes yes.

43/365

Hanging out on a weekend of 'work' with the lovely FE team of UCCF, people who know all about the reality of the way God works through weak and foolish people and not the outwardly impressive. Having fun playing Dutch Blitz, talking about the utter ridicoulous kindness of our God, confessing sins to each other, hearing Steph talk about how amazing Jesus is in the girls session we did together, good chats with Nay, playing Bongo's and getting to tell people what God really thinks of them.

42/365

Getting to be reminded, once again, of the reality we live in. Jesus is coming back, we have a precious faith and we are living for the rich welcome that awaits us. Refreshing.

41/365

The turning point of the day, a gentle voice calling me back to His words, His ways, and His light. And then the nice provision of a face to see in what could have been a day prepping on my own (a recipe for insanity). Instead, Jonny came for a couple of hours this afternoon. We hung out, drank tea and ranted about how important the Bible is, as well as the usual chats about random films, comedy shows and secret sci fi obsessions. Hoorah for friends.

40/365

"Jesus can we talk tonight
Like when we first met
I'm such a long way from the light
Why can't I see you yet?

Take me, have your way,
Though I don't feel you,
I will believe,
Take me, Lord I pray,
Just have your way in me

Lord I know it's time to go
Deeper waters call
I can't resist your Spirits flow
I'm not afraid at all"

(Tree 63)

39/365

Honest chats with a friend bringing freedom of grace and friendship based on covenant freeing love rather than weak human love that wants to manipulate and control. Man these lessons are hard but God's grace is SO liberating. Feeling again the stirrings in my soul that this world is not our home, that I want to know God, I want to intercede, I want to deeply depend. I want it all to be more than mere words but deep change in my heart. Knowing that all these desires demonstrate that somewhere in the rubbish His Spirit is dwelling and stirring up some change. There is hope for my hard apathetic heart.

38/365

Cycling in the hot summer sun, hearing the crackling of melted tarmac under my tyres, sitting in a shady courtyard talking about God with my housemate, talking to God on the beach together, the smell of freshly baked cake that is in every room of our house this evening.

37/365

Getting back to Brighton and walking in on my housemates and a friend cutting up strawberries and melon. We bundle down to the beach to have fun. Glad to be back.

36/365

The drive home with my brother, good music to drown out the sorrow of yet another England disappointment. The Beach Boys, Queen and old summer cheesy songs alleviate our mood. The sun sets around us painting the sky pink and green. I enjoy talking honestly with him about this life, realising again what a lush brother he is, glad we can talk about the deep stuff, glad to muse on the amount of stuff we don't understand about God and yet know that it is the only way worth taking. Glad that someone knows me enough to laugh at my foolishness.

35/365

The change of gear as new friends arrive to experience the holiday, the sheer exuberance and joy of playing music together, feeling the music deep within me as we sang, played guitar and bongos.

34/365

Poottling around mountains, sitting on a boat and motoring around the lake, sleep overtaking and a haze of happy tiredness descending, completing Sudoko's, caught in the gentle moments, days lasting lifetimes and the peace of having nothing to do, nothing to think about and just some pretty sunlight shining on mountains to look at.

33/365

Watching the Convent on TV with good friends, sitting around an open fire after, talking about our God, musing on his patience and sheer niceness in the face of our foolish and rebellious hearts. Loosing track of time in the moment and falling asleep content to be His.

32/365

Getting to walk up the rest of the mountains around the Buttermere valley that I haven't climbed before. Shrouded in mist with sudden breakthroughs of light. Seeing old familiar views from a different angle and perspective. Feeling the pain of hiking countered by the joy of being on top of the world. Walking down my favorite road, steep slopes on either side, sun sparkling off the water and the peace of having no thoughts but just the simplicity of having to put one foot in front of the other. The bliss of getting home to good food and friends and an aching body in the most comfy bed.

31/365

The joy of the loudest card game, Dutch Blitz. Cue much shouting, much accusation, many insults and the annoyance of loosing by 1 point.

30/365

Sunday evening. We take Communion together and remember that this really is all about Jesus coming back. We proclaim the Lord's death until He comes. Reading old hymns out to each other from a hymn book. Reveling in the progression of them, all starting with a verse about how great God is, a verse on our sin and the Cross that deals with it all and then a verse about heaven. Reveling in the riches of God's crazy never ending grace.

"He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength when the labors increase;
To added affliction He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.

His love has no limit, His grace has no measure;
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth and giveth and giveth again.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources,
Our Father's full giving is only begun."

And many more quoted to each other.

29/365

The lakes. My home. And yet not the home I really long for. A pointer to the times that are better than these. Until then. Clouds drifting along the tops of mountains serve as a reminder that the heavens can meet the earth. A reminder that the Creator can come to meet His creation. Clouds kissing the tops of mountains.